


Over and Over

by S_V



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Falling in love over several lives, M/M, Reincarnation, Slow Burn, written for a friend so it's her OC's I've shamelessly borrowed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 21:00:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14626947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_V/pseuds/S_V
Summary: In his first life, Soundwave failed. His second life, Soundwave emerged from the Well with the faint sense of having done so before, a tickling feeling of recollection in the back of his mind that he learned to live with. In his fifth life, he was sure something was wrong. By his tenth life, he could guess what was happening to him, even though he didn’t understand why.Soundwave keeps being reincarnated, doomed to live his life over and over, forever fighting and forever failing. Until one day, he's no longer alone in the endless cycles.





	Over and Over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gemi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gemi/gifts).



_Over and over, over and over_

_You make me fall for you_

_Over and over, over and over_

_You don't even try to_

* * *

In his first life, Soundwave failed.

At least, he assumed it was his first life. He had no recollection of lives before it, and neither had his symbiotes. Everything was new, and insurmountable, and yet he tried his best to manage, to _survive_. 

He tried to keep his ability hidden, and failed. He ended up caught in a senator’s web of lies.

He tried to gain his freedom, and failed. He ended up in the Pits of Kaon, as a gladiator.

And here, he met Megatronus, who changed his life and gave him a new purpose. A _greater_ purpose than just clinging to a continued existence for him and his symbiotes. They had a Cause now, a name to fight under, a master to serve. That was enough, and for a while, Soundwave didn’t fail. On the contrary, he was the best at what he did, and the Cause gained followers, gained traction. War broke out, but that was inevitable, and it was _fine_ . They were _winning_.

Until they weren’t, anymore. Until Soundwave failed to protect Buzzsaw, and she was taken from him. Laserbeak stopped singing after that, and Soundwave modded his frame to provide a new dock to her right over his spark. It was the only comfort he could offer her after the loss of her twin. Still, it hardly seemed enough. He’d failed. Again.

And again. Next, he lost Ravage, as well as the entirety of Cybertron over the battle of the Allspark. Their race was doomed. Their planet was dead. So was the part of his spark and mind that had been connected to the feline.

After that, it was the twins, at the same time. Soundwave struggled, he _tried so hard_ to save them, but he couldn’t. He failed. Laserbeak was all he had left now.

Her, and his lord.

Soundwave devoted himself to the Decepticons. He served his lord restlessly, pushed himself past exhaustion, yet no matter how hard he struggled to keep the grip on the Cause, he watched it slip further and further. It was wrong. All wrong. The war shouldn’t drag on like this, their planet was a barren wasteland, and Megatron… Megatron was becoming a prisoner of his own twisted delusions, as power hungry and tyrannical as the Council they’d fought against.

But Soundwave was loyal, and so Soundwave fought on. And again, he failed, his master getting killed while Soundwave was trapped in the Shadowzone, unable to do anything but watch. He redirected his energon to Laserbeak, but even then he knew it was hopeless, knew that they were going to slowly starve. He’d _failed_.

-

His second life, Soundwave emerged from the Well with the faint sense of having done so before, a tickling feeling of recollection in the back of his mind that he learned to live with.

Again, he failed.

-

In his fifth life, Soundwave was sure something was wrong. He was jittery and jumpy, reacting to things which he knew was going to happen before they did. He caught the attention of the Council.

That fifth life was filled was torture, anguish, and the ever-present failure.

-

By his tenth life, Soundwave could guess what was happening to him, even though he didn’t understand _why_ . Surely, there had to be some sort of purpose to it, didn’t there? Why else would he keep reliving his life, over and over? There _had_ to be something he was meant to do, and the only thing Soundwave could think of was Megatron.

Seeing him succeed became not only his reason to currently be alive, but the purpose of his reincarnation, as well. Loyalty was the common thread in his existence, all his lives were for making sure Megatron won.

He was too eager to get past his own early days to the part of his life that mattered. The senator noticed, and when Soundwave went in for the kill, he was anticipating it. Soundwave failed.

Again.

-

Around the time of his twentieth life, Soundwave attempted to change things. For more than fifteen consecutive lives, he tried to keep Megatronus and Orion Pax apart.

Each life, he failed.

-

By his fiftieth life, he’d moved on to attempt to change other things. His master and the archivist were inevitably drawn to each other, and there was nothing Soundwave could do about it, no way to spare Megatronus the unavoidable sparkbreak. It taught Soundwave that some things, he couldn’t change.

Some things, it turned out, he _could_.

He saved Buzzsaw, only to lose both her _and_ Laserbeak three solar cycles later in a surprise attack which hadn’t happened in any of his other lifetimes. He sent Ravage off planet for a mission when the Allspark was lost, and the last of their kin to crawl from the Well didn’t get named after her memory - now, he was called Circuit, but he was still passed off to scientists to be taught and raised.

In the end, none of the changes mattered. Soundwave tried to stop the war, and he failed every time.

-

In his sixty-third life, Soundwave had stopped trying to prevent the war, and started trying to turn the tide of it. He’d tried stopping his lord from using Dark Energon. Tried preventing going to Earth. The sensations of having lost all his symbiotes time and again haunted him as well as them - they recalled their collective losses, their deaths, their _agony_.

Soundwave focused on keeping them alive.

Soundwave failed.

-

His eighty-seventh life lasted only a few hours, and was ended by himself.

-

Around his hundredth life, Soundwave was wearing himself out from working to much, pushing too hard. He kept trying to make his lord succeed, to do _better_ , and he kept failing. Clearly, he just had to do _more_. Work more. Fight more. Try more.

He failed.

-

In his one hundred-twenty-sixth life, something new happened.

Soundwave brought a drone a cube of energon.

They were planning a raid, and he already knew how it would end. The Wreckers would show up, led by Ultra Magnus, and while the technology they were after would be secured into Decepticon servos, the battle would cost them one of the last of their T-units. The drone would give his spark for the mission, he’d gravely injure Bulkhead and Ultra Magnus, and he’d succeed in taking out Wheeljack.

Soundwave also knew he was going to go on the mission with an energon level of only sixty-seven percent, and so he brought the drone a cube during the briefing. He got a stuttered “ _thank ya, sir!_ ”, a pleasantly surprised pale yellow blooming over the drone’s glitching optical band. Soundwave dipped his helm in a small nod, then continued the meeting as usual.

The drone killed Wheeljack _and_ Bumblebee in this life, and while he himself died, less people were lost on the mission. It was a greater success than before.

Soundwave still failed.

-

In his next life, he repeated the gesture. He got the same reply (“ _thank ya, sir!_ ”), but instead of warm colors of surprise and happiness, the unit’s optical band blinked with something close to… confusion?

This time, he killed all the Wreckers before dying, and Soundwave got a gnawing feeling in the pit of his tank.

-

After another life like that, Soundwave approached the T-unit earlier.

_M8-TE_ . His designation was M8-TE, and Soundwave sought him out one-on-one, showed him the details for the upcoming mission, then tilted his helm to one side and _watched_. The drone slid his claws together, his wings twitching, and Soundwave tried to read into the movements, to understand what they meant.

“I don’t know, sir. Seems like… Like a place an ambush could happen.” He spoke hesitantly, like he himself wasn’t certain where the words were coming from, and Soundwave recorded everything to replay and see if the confusion lining his voice was from being asked his opinion, or something _more_ . That would be for later, though. Right now, he told M8-TE to go into the mission listening to his gut feeling and _expecting_ an ambush.

M8-TE made it back alive.

Soundwave still failed, in the end.

-

By his one hundred-fiftieth life, careful observations had let Soundwave draw the conclusion that for whatever reason, M8-TE was being reincarnated, as well. He didn’t understand how. He didn’t understand why. If he himself was constantly brought back to be loyal to Megatron, to make his master succeed… what was the reason for M8-TE’s reincarnation? 

In that life, he didn’t do anything about it, too confused about this turn of events.

-

Around his late hundredth lives, Soundwave noticed more changes, all relating to M8-TE. The drone slowly began seeking him out - not necessarily to talk, but Soundwave began seeing him more in his own vicinity. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say M8-TE was acting like a bodyguard, which was of course absurd. Yes, Soundwave had died almost two hundred times, but he kept coming back. Because he had to make Megatron succeed.

After five lives of M8-TE gravitating towards him and brightening each time Soundwave as much as acknowledged his presence, Soundwave accepted it. And after that, he found himself seeking out M8-TE, as well. Both to understand why he was no longer the only one going through this, but also for the sake of comfort. He’d never been _alone_ , as he had his symbites, but still…

Still, it was nice to have someone else, too.

- 

It took until his two hundred-twentieth life for Soundwave to broach the subject.

By then, they were both aware of their situation. Soundwave had figured out how to keep his symbiotes alive; all of them, with the help of M8-TE. The minicons had been quick to warm up to him, especially the twins - it wasn’t unusual to see them volunteering to go on missions with him, or just following him around the Nemesis to chat with him. Soundwave let them, because he knew they were as safe with M8-TE as they’d be with him, but he didn’t say much, himself.

So far, everything had gone unsaid. Soundwave felt that it was time to change that, and so he invited M8-TE to his quarters, sitting down with him to talk.

No answers were forthcoming. M8-TE didn’t know why this was happening, either, nervously sliding his claws together when Soundwave asked. He hadn’t counted his lives with the same borderline obsession as Soundwave had, and it had been a little harder for him to notice what was happening to him.

(Soundwave had tried pressing _that_ subject, but M8-TE had deflected the question and muttered something about it being “ **_Spark_ ** _related, I think_ ”. Soundwave didn’t understand what that meant, or why M8-TE was pronouncing spark as if it was a _thing_ that needed capital letters. He’d eventually stopped pushing out of respect.)

“Do _you_ have any idea why it’s happening, sir?” M8-TE had asked, and Soundwave had slowly nodded and opened up. Explained haltingly, _awkwardly_ , that he figured his purpose in life was to make sure lord Megatron succeeded, and that he’d keep living until he’d fulfilled that. It was what drove him. His only goal, all he ever wanted, loyalty and devotion fueling his countless lives.

M8-TE kept silent and allowed him to struggle to phrase himself, listening intently and not giving away what he was thinking. Soundwave found himself wanting to read his mind to see what was going on in his processor, behind the shifting of his glitching optical band. He didn’t. It would be wrong. But he wanted to know what was making M8-TE’s visor flicker into the colors of the sun rising over planet Earth. Could it be happiness about Soundwave’s offered explanation to their situation? Surely it wasn’t admiration, because Soundwave was sure that in time, M8-TE would have reached the same conclusion he himself had. Maybe he was just glad Soundwave was letting himself be vulnerable by talking about something so private for the sake of clarifying all of this.

“But, sir… Have ya considered it might be something else? By now, following lord Megatron and the Cause aint necessarily the same thing. We both know what’s happened to lord Megatron, how he’s changed. Ya think maybe he aint _meant_ to succeed?” M8-TE spoke slowly, voice oddly gentle, as if he was trying to somehow soften his words for Soundwave’s sake.

Soundwave killed him for what he was saying. M8-TE didn’t fight him.

-

Next life, M8-TE happily approached him as always, wings cheerfully raised, claws wiggling in a small wave. 

“Hello again, sir.” He greeted, voice chipper, and Soundwave stared at him for five full kliks before fleeing, confused beyond belief. He scheduled himself for a mission to get away and gain time to make sense of this unexpected turn of events, only for that mission to fail, and him to be killed.

After that, M8-TE stuck closer to him than ever.

-

For some reason, M8-TE didn’t hold a grudge about Soundwave killing him. Soundwave didn’t get it. No matter how hard he pushed for an explanation, all he got was flustered glances, as if _M8-TE_ was the one who had anything to be embarrassed about, and not Soundwave himself.

“I crossed a line, I get that. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, sir. I can’t be mad at ya for something that I kinda caused, can I? That wouldn’t be fair. Just… Don’t leave? It’s nice to not be alone in all this, ya know?” Was all he’d say for explanation, yet it felt like there was something unsaid between his words. But when Soundwave pressed, he only got more stuttering and the admission that M8-TE _liked_ Soundwave’s company. A lot. Soundwave didn’t get that either, but he recognized the gift M8-TE was unwittingly offering him. Companionship. Understanding. _Forgiveness_.

All he had to do was ask, but Soundwave didn’t know how.

“ _I̵̵'͡m͝.͢͡.̶.̷ ͟s͜o̧̧͏r̢͞r̵y͏._ ” His voice was laced with static from not being used in over a hundred lives. It was raw, and ugly, several tones overlapping in a dissonant cacophony, and M8-TE lit up with gold and pink as if it was the most beautiful symphony in the world.

-

It turned out, Soundwave didn’t have to ask out loud. M8-TE understood his way of communicating, and for reasons beyond Soundwave’s understanding, he forgave him.

_He forgave him._

-

In his two hundred-fiftieth life, Soundwave touched M8-TE for the first time. Just a small brush of the back of his servo along M8-TE’s armor. Had it been everyone else, it would have seemed like an accidental touch, nothing more. Only, Soundwave didn’t _do_ unintentional things. Ever. He guarded himself, controlled his every movement, and he didn’t let anyone close enough to touch except for lord Megatron.

And now M8-TE.

M8-TE, who flicked his wings, looked up with a golden optical band, and tilted his helm in a specific angle that Soundwave wasn’t completely sure what meant, but knew that he quite liked. He spent ten solar cycles analyzing M8-TE’s reaction, then decided it had been very positive, and brushed his plating again.

It felt perfectly normal and _right_ , and it quickly became second nature for Soundwave to graze soft touches along whatever part of M8-TE he could reach whenever they came within distance of one another. Sometimes, M8-TE returned the gesture, always when he was sure no one would see, always taking care to move his claws slowly so Soundwave could see them coming. And always making Soundwave’s spark spin wildly in its chamber.

People _did_ notice, of course, because while Soundwave was discreet, and M8-TE was careful, the symbiotes weren’t. The first tentative touch had opened the proverbial floodgates, and now they all seemingly considered it their privilege to touch M8-TE. The twins eagerly pulled at his servos whenever they wanted his attention. The birds were happy to perch on his shoulders, or when they were feeling adventurous, his helm. Ravage made a home for herself in his lap whenever she could get away with it, and seemed to take great delight in telling Soundwave all about how good M8-TE was at petting. Soundwave wasn’t sure why that made him flustered.

He did make an interesting discovery, though. Slickride asked for a moment of his time one day, and then proceeded to talk about how M8-TE was his brother and how much he meant to Slickride in a vaguely threatening manner. If Soundwave didn’t know any better, he’d say he was being given the shovel talk, which amused him endlessly. And it turned out, Slickride’s talks were one of the only things that always changed from life to life. They were _never_ the same.

Soundwave had no idea why that was, but nonetheless, they became one of the things he greatly looked forwards to.

-

It took a literal lifetime for him to realize he had gone and developed a hopeless crush on M8-TE.

-

It took several _more_ lives for him to fully admit it to himself.

-

“Where did ya go?” M8-TE’s presence in Soundwave’s habsuite was becoming a regular occurrence, and one Soundwave found himself welcoming. He could relax in M8-TE’s company, could be himself in ways he was unable to around anyone else, even lord Megatron. Now, he paused the soft music he’d been playing - a song from another life, which hadn’t been composed in this one for some reason - and devoted his full attention to the drone.

M8-TE promptly fidgeted. Soundwave found it endearing.

“In the very early cycles, when the Autobots stormed the Nemesis. Ya sometimes just disappeared, where’d ya go?” He deliberated, and Soundwave tilted his helm to the side. Right. M8-TE didn’t know about the Shadowzone. Hell, it had taken Soundwave more than a hundred and fifty years to figure out how the influx from two different bridge technologies affected one another, and then learn how to reverse the polarity of his own bridges to create the feedback loop allowing entrance into the zone. Meaning that in maybe thirty of M8-TE’s first reborn lives, Soundwave had been trapped there, not yet possessing the means of freeing himself.

Standing, he offered M8-TE his servo. M8-TE took it without hesitation.

It was easier to just show him. Easier to pull him close to his own frame, to wrap an arm protectively around him. Soundwave had never brought anyone with him aside from his docked symbiotes, so he didn’t know if M8-TE needed to be close or not. It was better to be safe than to be sorry. At least that was what he told himself, and his excuse to tucking M8-TE as close to his frame as he could get away with.

M8-TE was understandably confused at first, and so Soundwave kept a servo on his shoulder, even as he clarified to the best of his ability. He didn’t mind using longer recordings with M8-TE, something he normally avoided, but even with proper phrases it was still hard to explain everything. Soundwave described how he’d first been trapped in this place, how it had happened in several lifetimes with various of his symbiotes. He guided M8-TE into a hallway to allow him to experience it, himself - to have people pass through him, to be unable to talk to them, to _touch_ them. To interact in any way with anyone. Then he explained how he had finally figured it out, and now used the zone for his own purposes.

Soundwave expected M8-TE to be either scared of the existence of the Shadowzone, worried about the fact that Soundwave could more or less become intangible now, or that he’d simply think it was cool. His reaction wasn’t even close to any of those three possibilities. He got angry on Soundwave’s behalf.

“And how ‘bout until ya figured it out?” He asked, and Soundwave shrugged, confused.

“ _Starvation._ ” He’d died, obviously, along with his symbiotes. It was a slow and painful way for cybertronians to go, and he didn’t appreciate the memories. Apparently, neither did M8-TE, because he took a step closer to Soundwave and solemnly swore that he wasn’t going to ever allow something like that to happen to him again. Soundwave decided against telling him that of course it couldn’t happen again after he had finally figured the zone out, and instead took the promise to spark.

It was rather nice.

-

In his two hundred-sixty-fourth life, Lord Megatron noticed how quickly Soundwave had gotten close with one of the drones, and decided the best course of action was to separate them. Soundwave didn’t understand.

His two hundred-sixty-fourth life was very long, and Soundwave almost didn’t mind it when he failed. Almost.

-

M8-TE didn’t like it when Soundwave asked about what happened after he himself died. It was one of the few subjects Soundwave found it hard to respect and not push. He knew he died, but he had no clue what happened _after_ , and not knowing was slowly driving him up the wall. He didn’t understand why M8-TE hated discussing it - was it the same sense of failure Soundwave himself felt? But then, what about the times when Soundwave died before lord Megatron?

Soundwave tried not pressing for answers, because he liked ( _loved_ ) M8-TE, and he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but it was eating away at him. One day, M8-TE sat him down and explained that sometimes, in some lives, Slickride took the **Spark** and led the drones away. Then he explained about the **Spark** , and Soundwave finally understood why he was always talking about it as if it was a singular thing. He knew what M8-TE was doing - offering Soundwave the only thing he could give, compromising for the both of them - and he adored him fiercely for it. 

The idea that in some cycles, M8-TE had gotten to live peacefully in freedom, far away from war, pleased Soundwave. For some reason, M8-TE seemed saddened by the memories, though. Soundwave didn’t understand why.

-

M8-TE had learned to read him better than even lord Megatron had ever been able to. Soundwave didn’t mind.

-

In his two hundred-eighty-first life, M8-TE died before him. It had been so long since that had happened, and Soundwave didn’t know how to handle it. He mourned. He got revenge. It didn’t help, didn’t bring back M8-TE, and for the first time he almost found himself _wishing_ for failure. Because a win without M8-TE? Wouldn’t be a _victory_.

His symbiotes asked him if now he understood why M8-TE hated talking about the lifetimes where Soundwave had died, but Soundwave didn’t understand what dots they were asking him to connect. They mentally scoffed at him, but still echoed the guilty feeling of something close to relief when they inevitably failed.

-

In the following life, Soundwave greeted M8-TE by wrapping a feeler around him, draw him close, and lean down to whisper a hoarse “ _mi̢ssed yo̵ų_ ” at him. Slickride’s talk that life was nothing short of awe-inspiring. Soundwave enjoyed every moment of it.

-

It still took him five more lives before he gathered enough courage to actually say more than two words to M8-TE in his own voice.

-

The first time he laughed around M8-TE was in his three hundred-fifteenth life, and the drone stared at him with a mixture of delight and utter bafflement, as if Soundwave had just performed a miracle. It had been an almost silent huff of amusement, barely more than a slightly deeper exhalation of air, and Soundwave suspected M8-TE had only caught it because his claws were hovering right over one of his vents.

Incidentally, that was what had made Soundwave laugh in the first place, and M8-TE’s stunned reaction only served to make him chuckle again, more clearly this time. M8-TE looked torn between being shell shocked and overjoyed.

“You enjoy doing that. Why?” Soundwave dipped his chin a fraction, indicating M8-TE’s servo. By now, he practically never used recordings when it was just them and his symbiotes, though he still remained brief in his way of phrasing himself. Soundwave didn’t know if that would ever change, but he did find that he _liked_ talking to M8-TE with his own voice. It just felt right.

The delicate rose of M8-TE’s visor turned a richer shade of maroon, and he sheepishly looked away, retracting his servo to begin sliding his claws together. Soundwave watched curiously, wondering if perhaps this was supposed to have been another unsaid thing between them. But already, there were so many of those, and he genuinely wondered about M8-TE’s odd little habit. Now, he waited patiently as M8-TE flicked his wings, seemingly looking anywhere but at Soundwave.

“It’s just that… Ya vents are kinda soundless, sir. Sometimes I just need to feel that they’re actually working, y’know?” He awkwardly explained, voice wavering as if he was expecting to be told he was being ridiculous. Soundwave didn’t tell him that. He didn’t say anything as he took in the meaning between the words and the constant gesture, realizing that it had been M8-E’s strange way of reassuring himself that Soundwave was _alive_.

It resonated with something deep within his own mind, a budding understanding he couldn’t quite place yet, and Soundwave didn’t think about it as he gingerly reached out and placed one spindly servo over M8-TE’s own two. Stopped their nervous movements and instead curled thin digits around sturdy claws, gently pulling. M8-TE let him, optical band flickering with a jumbled mess of aqua and pink that Soundwave couldn’t decipher as he allowed his hand to be drawn nearer. Placing M8-TE’s servo on his chassis, Soundwave pressed it close, then held it in place right above the large biolight in the middle of his chest. Right above his spark.

Soundwave knew his frame was near perfectly silent. He didn’t know if this would even _do_ anything; if M8-TE would be able to feel the steady rush of his fuel pump, or his spark spinning way too fast in its chamber. He had no actual armor in this spot - the servo was resting over his protoform, but Soundwave didn’t know if it’d be enough. He didn’t know if it would _help_.

He still made the effort, and maybe that was enough. M8-TE stared at him in stunned silence, the air between them feeling oddly charged, and Soundwave didn’t even think about it as he leaned in, his EM fields loosening, his free servo reaching…

“Are they gonna kiss?”

_Clang!_ Frenzy’s question earned him a hard smack to the back of his helm, both the loud sound and his words breaking the moment. M8-TE pulled his servo back, white bursting across a deep pink in his visor, and Soundwave leaned away, blinking and unsure of what had just passed between them. What _could_ have passed between them.

Frenzy rubbed his head, then seemed to sense the awkward atmosphere, and took it upon himself to break it with a: “M8-TE, so… wanna play Portal?”

-

After that, whenever Soundwave had been offlined in a particularly gruelling way, M8-TE would approach him in the following life. He’d never say anything, just wordlessly lift one servo, and Soundwave would take it and press it to his spark.

He was surprised by how the simple gesture helped him deal with the memories of death. Of failure.

-

Megatron teased him about his crush on a drone. Remembering his past life where M8-TE was sent away, Soundwave found it harder to laugh with his old friend than he should have.

-

Soundwave returned from a mission to find M8-TE on the couch in his quarters, an arm around each of the twins, Ravage draped over his legs. Rumble was embracing the drone, Frenzy had his small digits hooked into dark plating and was holding on as if his life depended on it, and Ravage was curled into a loaf in M8-TE’s lap. All four of them were fast asleep.

Soundwave’s spark did an odd thing where it felt like it was melting and swelling at the same time. He knew he should wake them up, but he'd honestly rather join them. Curl up next to M8-TE and recharge with them. The birds were already pinging him for permission to deploy to do just that, and Soundwave… Soundwave wanted to, as well.

He didn't. Instead, he covered M8-TE with a thermal blanket, and committed the entire scene to memory, knowing he'd treasure it forever. This, he realized, was so much more than a mere crush. This was love.

-

M8-TE sacrificed himself to save Soundwave’s three hundred-twenty-sixth life. He was killed by Optimus Prime in front of him, and Soundwave saw his optical band flash from a focused blue to white static before the light left it, and M8-TE’s frame collapsed.

Something in Soundwave collapsed, as well. His carefully upkept self control snapped - not neatly, but in a messy crumble, leaving him an absolute ruin.

Replaying the scream of a sparkeater, Soundwave launched himself at the Prime. He needed to pay for what he’d done. He needed to _die_. Because M8-TE had died. For Soundwave. He didn’t have to, because Soundwave would’ve been reincarnated anyways, but he had. He’d purposefully sacrificed himself, and now he was gone, and Soundwave had never tried feeling alone before, but he did now.

He didn’t fight smart, like he usually did, conserving his energy to complete the mission. He didn’t have the mental peace or capacity for that. Soundwave fought desperately, _despairingly_ , his symbiotes right at his side with him, all of them crying out in their own way from the same loss. They didn’t fight to win, because there was no winning, M8-TE was offline, and now the Prime needed to _suffer_ . Neither did they fight prettily; there was no honor to be had here, and Optimus didn’t deserve a fair fight, he deserved every low blow and underhanded trick that would cause him pain. They fought messily, angrily, screaming their rage and loss and _sorrow_.

They won.

Soundwave had his arm torn off, deep cuts lacerating his chassis. Ravage, Laserbeak, and Frenzy were crumbled into small heaps on the ground, bleeding and unable to move but all alive. Buzzsaw and Rumble were still mobile, and now clustered around Soundwave’s pedes, the fight seeping from them and leaving them exhausted and incredulous at what they’d done.

The Prime’s frame was before them, lifeless and splattered with energon. It had been an ugly death, and it was an ugly corpse - wounds torn open, plating wrenched aside, armor crumbled and blackened from burns and Rumble’s piledrivers. Soundwave felt nothing but satisfaction upon looking at the mangled remains. He wanted to tell Optimus to get up, to come back to life so he could kill him again. He wasn’t _done_ yet, the Prime still had to pay.

He didn’t, because it wasn’t worth wasting his words on the Prime. And the battlefield had gotten _very_ silent.

When M8-TE died, Soundwave’s world had narrowed down to nothing but pain and the wish to make Optimus _pay_ . Now, he became aware that they were still on the battlefield, that everyone were looking, that the Autobots were crying, and that his master was behind him. Megatron, who Soundwave _knew_ had feelings for the Prime, to the point where it kept him from ending his nemesis. It was for that exact reason Soundwave had never killed Optimus, either. Until now.

Soundwave turned, looking at his lord. Megatron raised his fusion cannon and fired it. First at Rumble, then at Soundwave.

-

The life after that, Soundwave felt as though his spark was under physical strain, aching until he saw M8-TE once more. The shock of having one of his symbiotes die was horrible, but the fact that lord Megatron had been the murderer? Had killed someone precious to Soundwave out of nothing but pettiness, because Soundwave had taken someone from _him?_

Soundwave couldn’t reconcile with that, didn’t know how to deal with it. He felt a mess - not in the way he’d felt broken down after seeing M8-TE killed, but empty. Without purpose.

He’d _always_ had a purpose, or at least he’d thought he had. Now, he was no longer sure, and that felt like the worst failure of all.

-

M8-TE wordlessly supported him as Soundwave struggled to make peace with things through several lives. He accepted when Soundwave stopped speaking, didn’t comment on the fact that Rumble rarely deployed, just offered quiet support and stayed close.

Soundwave didn’t know how to thank him. Over several lifetimes, he realized he didn’t have to. M8-TE seemed to already know.

-

Once he started talking again, Soundwave only spoke to M8-TE. He had nothing to say to Megatron.

-

In his three hundred-fifty-seventh life, Soundwave didn’t fail. He succeeded.

They won the war. They restored Cybertron. Lord Megatron became supreme ruler of the planet and the ever-expanding Decepticon empire. The Autobots were no more, the Prime having sacrificed himself to revive the planet. The rest of the faction either fled or surrendered.

Soundwave had succeeded. This was everything he’d strived for through all his lives. Megatron had won.

And M8-TE was alive and by his side. Soundwave didn’t know how to share his joy with him, how to celebrate. They’d _made it_ . They had finally done it. He didn’t know how to communicate his triumph, how to even begin putting it into words. He didn’t have to. M8-TE looked up at him with a soft understanding, yellow and gold and a soft focussed blue mixing in gentle patterns across his optical band. He was _there_ , and that… that was enough for Soundwave. He didn’t want to be greedy and ask for more, not when he’d already been given so much. He’d succeeded, M8-TE was alive and next to him, and _that was enough_.

-

It hadn’t been enough.

He was back, reincarnated once more. Soundwave didn’t understand why. _Why?_ He’d done it! He’d succeeded, he’d ensured Megatron reached his goal! So why was he back?!

When he met M8-TE again, the drone radiated nothing but gentle sympathy. As if he’d been expecting this. As if he’d known it wouldn’t have been enough. Soundwave didn’t understand that, either, and when M8-TE raised a servo, holding it up to his spark, he snatched it out of the air and used it to pull the drone into a tight hug.

If M8-TE could tell he was silently crying behind his screen, he didn’t comment on it, just held Soundwave until he stopped shaking.

-

They embraced a lot in the following lives. Soundwave had a feeling they both needed it.

-

“Do you think…” M8-TE looked up as Soundwave started, but he didn’t know how to finish the sentence. It died in the air between them, and Soundwave was amazed by the patient way M8-TE settled in to wait until Soundwave himself had gathered his thoughts. He didn’t look annoyed, light blue and gold mixing with white in his optic band as he gave Soundwave his complete attention. Soundwave didn’t feel like he deserved it.

“In your ninety-fifth life. The- the one where I… killed you.” He tried again, haltingly, and M8-TE simply nodded along, wings moving up higher on his back as if to encourage him to keep speaking. He was patient, ever so patient. Always had been, Soundwave was beginning to see. Even from the very start, when Soundwave hadn’t realized, M8-TE had been _patient_.

“You… Were you right? Did you already understand back there, and I just- I didn’t? You had it right, I was just…” He couldn’t find words. Didn’t know if there _were_ any words. Part of Soundwave couldn’t even believe he was saying this, saying that M8-TE had been right so long ago when he’d pointed out that following lord Megatron and following the Decepticon Cause was no longer the same thing. It felt like betrayal. Like disloyalty. Worst of all, it felt like the truth, and Soundwave didn’t know what to do with that.

He hadn’t been aware he’d been leaning over, practically curling in on himself, until M8-TE’s claws appeared in his field of vision, gently patting his knee. Soundwave blinked down at the servo on his leg, then followed the arm it was attached to until he was looking at M8-TE once more.

“Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Ya didn’t think so back then. How about now?” His voice was soft, like he was gently nudging Soundwave towards drawing the right conclusions.

Soundwave hesitated. He couldn’t phrase this, didn’t have the words for it, and so he could only jerk his helm in a small nod, to show M8-TE that now? Now he agreed. It was just a tiny movement, yet M8-TE lit up in blooming pink and gold, his happiness like the sun rising after a seemingly endless night.

“Then what do ya think we should do about it, sir?” M8-TE asked, and Soundwave stared at him, feeling something close to awe. Soundwave had been wrong, and M8-TE had suspected - if not _known_ \- all along, yet he’d still stuck with him. Had still helped him as Soundwave struggled to succeed, still protected him and his symbiotes when Soundwave put them all in danger for Megatron’s sake. He’d cared enough to spend countless lifetimes watching Soundwave’s back, to stay by his side, and he still wanted to remain there.

Soundwave had been loyal to Megatron. M8-TE… he’d been loyal to Soundwave all along. His actions spoke of devotion, of trust, of _love_ , and Soundwave didn’t think twice about reaching for his servo, placing it over his wildly spinning spark.

“We’ll have plenty of time to figure that out. Together.” He didn’t know how to properly phrase the monumental realizations he had made, the ones he was still making. And as M8-TE brightened in joy, positively beaming at him, it occured to Soundwave that it seemed to be another of those things he didn’t _have_ to voice. M8-TE seemed to understand them all perfectly, anyways.

He was pretty sure that together, they couldn’t fail.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Gemi's birthday present! I gave her a commission, and she asked for Soundwave and her OC M8-TE being stuck getting reincarnated, so of course I took it as a possibility to stretch the slow burn over literal lifetimes. I had SO MUCH fun writing this, her OC's are an absolute delight to play with, and I'm happy I got to steal them <3


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